March 15, 2008
Violence
This week’s lectures were both interesting and emotionally stressful and draining to me. I was actually crying in class, just almost no one noticed, I really wanted to leave but couldn’t. On Tuesday someone had brought up the question of "why don't people report being raped?" I can answer this question from personal experience. There are many reasons people do not report it. As a victim you do not want to keep telling what happened over and over because every time you tell it you are reliving it. Another reason is that you are thinking how can someone so strong and smart let herself get into this situation. Why couldn't I just defend myself? This doesn't happening to people, no one else will understand. So you don't say anything to anyone. In my case I ended up pregnant and couldn't hide it forever, even though I tried. I don't believe in abortion so now I have a beautiful 13-month old daughter. As a victim you keep denying that it happened. I had planned on giving my daughter up for adoption so that no one would ever know that I was ever raped or pregnant. My family didn't even know I was pregnant until the day after my daughter was born when I called my aunt in tears telling her because I couldn't call my parents (and she lives close to Lincoln), I felt like I was worthless and letting them down. Little did I know that rape happens more than we think. I know of at least two other women in my family within the generation before mine who have been raped and haven't told anyone but me. I believe the statistics that we saw in class are low. In a class I took last semester the statistics that were shown were closer to 33% of women have been raped compared to 25% stated in the video. Who knows what the actual percentage is, because so few of us report it. Another reason people do not report it is they may know someone who did and it did no good. A friend of mine was also raped at another college. She reported it to the police and they did nothing for her. He basically was told not to do it again, where is the justice in that. But through it all we all of us (well at least the people I know) have persevered. Unless you know our story you would never guess that something so terrible has happened to us because we still have a smile on our face.
13 comments:
I thank you for your story. My tears shed throughout reading your blog. I thank you for your strength.
Thanks for sharing your story. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to watch the video, it must have taken a lot of strength. It's just sad that the statistics are so high and yet nothing seems to be done to justify the harmful actions.
Wow... what an amazing story. Thanks for posting that. I can only imagine what kinds of feelings you're faced with when you go through something like that. Congratulations on your beautiful baby and for having the strength to make it through such a tough situation!
I wish there were more harsh punishments for this type of violence. I think that anyone who has gone through this should at least have the comfort of knowing that something can be done about it. It makes me so frustrated and helpless to know that this happens to people and sometimes when it is reported nothing happens to the offender!! In a perfect world there would be harsher laws and punishments that would help prevent people from committing this type of violence.
I agree that there are many more cases out there that no one reports. My first week at college I met a senior in my sorority and she was giving me a ride in her car to bid day. By accident we found pictures of her in her car of her face badly bruised. It turns out she was raped by some of her boyfriend's friends; they slipped a date rape drug in her drink and the next thing she remembers is waking up alone with many bruises. She told her boyfriend about it and he didn't believe her because they were his friends, so he chose his friends over her. She took the case to court, and again like your friend's case, nothing was done about it. She had outstanding evidence against these guys and yet the case was dropped.
There has to be a better solution out there! Thank you for sharing your story and I can't believe how strong you are! I'm really glad that your family is being so supportive, and congratulations on your beautiful daughter.
To repeat what everyone else has said, thanks so much for sharing your story. I think so often people place too much blame on the victim saying "they shouldn't have been doing what they are doing" or "they asked for it based on what they were wearing, saying or doing" but in actuality THEY ARE A VICTIM, no one has any sort of right to violate another human because of anything that they are doing and sometimes I think that society sends the wrong message. I think also, in reference to the video we watched in class, that a lot of what is going on goes back to a main concept that a lot of our material focuses on: the social learning theory that if someone sees someone doing something, then they are likely to follow in those same footsteps because that is what they see as correct, they get messages that reinforce their behavior, thus the cycle continues. I totally agree with all the posts above that it just saddens me that there are so many sexual assualt/ rape cases that occur yet the numbers aren't getting smaller, which makes it feel like there is little or no action taken against this.
Thank you so much for telling your story. I really appreciate it. The hardest part about the violence section for me was that the more I think about it (and absolutely hate to accept it) our society doesn't discourage these types of assault behaviors. I was really upset when Dr. Lucas first explained that in class but it unfortunately makes sense. If men weren't socialized to be tough, in control, and dominant they probably wouldn't have the urges to hold onto that power. If there is no need to be in control then why would they want to control of assaulting or raping someone? The problem I'm now struggling with is how to change that socialization. I don't know if it's possible to change male socialization any time soon. I think if enough power is put behind it in the right format there must be something that can be done to force society to alter the masculine/feminine gender stereotypes and expectations.
I think a major issue is that the role women play in society has changed and evolved drastically over the last 50 years but the role men play has changed very little (in the grand scheme of things). Men are just as capable of evolution as women but why is it that their gender roles have not evolved with time? They no longer NEED to be the family breadwinner but I think they often still feel obligated.
To sum up I believe sexual assault crimes must be dealt with my siphoning the source (by re-socializing male gender expectations) and until then these horrible unexplainable crimes will continue. And of course that's not the only cause of sexual assault but...I think it's a major player.
I am awed by your willingness and strength in sharing your story, and as someone who has also experienced this type of abuse within my own family, I understand your personal struggle. My father tried to sexually abuse me when I was younger, and it is so true that without an overwhelming amount of evidence no convictions are possible. The most that the state of Illinois would allow me to do is to abstain from seeing my father and to move out of state. However he was never fined or labeled a sex offender nor did he receive any jail time.
I think our society still subconciously equates sex with a man's right and a woman's duty which is why I think we see so few convictions in rape and molestation cases. While I know that reporting is a difficult procedure, I do wish that there was a greater support system for victims of sexual abuse so that these types of crimes would not go so drastically underreported.
I cannot imagine how difficult an experience this was nor can I imagine the inner strength to keep your baby. You have amazing strength and my prayers go out to you.
I have many shared feelings in regards to your story with the other posts, but one in particular set itself apart for me. Tigerlily commented how over the last 50 years women's roles have evolved and men's for the most part have not. I want to point out a simple fact though, women wanted to have more rights and be equally treated like men. With that goal established, if the ideal female lifestyle is to be more like a man then that raises a few questions/concerns for me. If a women wanted to be more like a man, then that implies a man's role shouldn't or couldn't change. And why should it? If a woman wanted to be like a man, then why would a man want to change. Also by striving to be treated as an equal to a man, you are now going to share in the same competitive struggles men have had to endure for ages.
So why it's simple and easy to bash on male evolution in comparison to female evolution, I feel the issue is much more complicated.
However just because I may be trying to defend some male gender socialization traits, that does not nor should it be misinterpreted that I condone abuse (physical or mental). I am only trying to establish that if a standard is established by one (female) to be more like the other (male), then don't be a hypocrite and bash the other (male) when that was the standard established.
WOW...Im sorry to hear about this. What an aweful experience! It just blows my mind that the statistics are so high for rape, I don't personally know anyone that has been raped but Im glad to see that you have perservered and gotten through things as well as you have. My aunt got pregnant from a one night stand and when she had to tell our family about it she thought her world was coming to an end and now she thanks god everyday for the beautiful little girl she has from such bad circumstances.
It shocks me to know that at least two people in our classroom have been raped or sexually abused. 2 in our classroom of maybe 30??? It is devastating and that nothing was done to the men who did this to them. How can anything change if nothing is ever justified? These men should receive harsh punishment for what they did. I cannot imagine that happening to me. I think I would be permanently scarred and scared to go anywhere alone. How traumatic, I really want to address these issues in class. I know at least one person who has been raped and I assume most people know at least on victim. What can we do to lower this statistic, if anything?
To begin, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. I can relate with you to some extent. I can feel your pain. I shed a tear reading your post because I can understand your words. Sexual violence is horrible. The abuse does not end when the perpetrator leaves and I think that is a common misconception. The victim is abused mentally from the point of the abuse on. Every day the victim replays the scenario in his or her head. They contemplate whether things would have been different had they acted differently. They blame themselves for not being smart enough to leave or for not being strong enough to stop the abuse. The shame and embarrassment is overwhelming. I have found the hardest part of sexual violence is forgiving yourself; forgiving yourself for being there, for not doing things different, for blaming yourself for what has happened to you. It is not your fault. Don’t buy into those feelings, that bastard has no power over you anymore. You are strong. You are a survivor.
You’re right when you say the statistics are much higher because it’s so under-reported. I went 13 years without saying a word. You don’t know my abuse because it’s hidden behind the smile I display but you’re not alone.
Thursnitesoundtrack, you are so right in that we keep replaying it over and over. You can be out with friends having a great time and someone can say one phrase and your night is not so fun anymore. Then they all ask what's wrong but you can't tell them because you feel ashamed still. I am glad that you finally talked to someone about it. I feel that the more I talk to people I know and trust about it, that it has become a little easier to not blame myself for it all.
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