May 01, 2008
Affection
A while back in class we spent some time talking about gender in personal relationships. One focus was the kind of affection we've received from our fathers over the years. Most of us reported that our fathers showed us affection through supportive activies, e.g. doing favors, tasks etc... I indetify in much of same way, however growing up in a house where it was just my father and I, he did make the effort often times, and it was all i thought i really needed. Nevertheless, as I've gotten older I've developed a number a male-male relationships in which I experienced affection and intimacy in a more emotionally satisfying way. While I won't concede that I feel closer with these men than i do my father, I find it particularly strange that the performence oriented relationship I've always had with my father never really occured that much to me until this semester. thought that was all dads were really capable of. I know these masculine characteristics are often the nature of a fathers behavior, I've begun to realize a dad can still offer more. Researchers offer knowledge and enriching insight into this phenomenon. Can anyone else identify any of their relationships in that same way?
9 comments:
Based on recent news events, its quite possible your dad's way of showing interests through activities, sports, etc. and not overly emotionally close or touchy-feely may have nothing to do with how he truly feels about you. He may just didn't want to be put in an awkward light like Billy Ray or Hulk Hogan has been lately when seen in questionable situations like they have been with their children lately. Also, it seems like a lot of guys in their 40s on up (even guys our age and younger) still associate being emotional with being overly feminine. With that said, it seems like your dad is just being the typical guy based on his own social construction experiences. I can relate though to thinking a dad could be there for you on differnent levels. With my own dad, he is all about sports and activities and not much for communication. I had friends growing up whose dads were really able to communicate and explain things WAY better then mine ever could...oh well. lol
I know what you're going through. My father and I have a relationship that I consider very close, but when I look at the relationship I have with my mom it isn't anywhere near the same level. I don't know if it is becase he engages in report talk very much so and maybe it's just hard for me to relate to. I find it a struggle to have a converstation with my dad sometimes, but when Im going through a hard time he can say the littlest thing and it will mean so much. I don't know how to interpret much of this!
I agree that fathers are showing more interest in their children's lives. My brother in law has a daughter and he is very active in her life. I think that the change and more participation in children's lives is important. Personally my father was very involved in sports and coached my basketball team for many years. Not saying that I didn't enjoy the game but I was more apt to take part in this sport to spend time with my father. He falls into the report talk. A phone conversation with him usually consists of how is your car, how is school and how is your job. Which there is nothing wrong with this conversation but it doesn't really form a great relationship. In the previous example with my brother in law he knows what shows she watches, her interests, and dreams. This close relationship shows a strong bond between them.
I would agree that in my own father's defense he falls within the idea that emotions equals femininity. I remember seeing my father cry for the first time when I was in eight grade at my grandpa's funeral. At this age I never thought that I would see him be this emotional.
Growing up my father was travelling for his job 2 or 3 weeks out of the month, so it sucked not having him around, but whenever he was home he made an extra effort to spend time with me and my brother. I would say my mom and I have much closer relationship, but I don't feel I was shorted on any fatherly parenting. I also don't think it affected me in any way towards my other male relationships, I feel it has conditioned me to get use to change whereas I've moved 4 or 5 times in my life and have had to make new friends and leave old ones very often. So if anything I feel like my relationship with my father has prepared me for life. Everything changes...why not be prepared.
I feel like my father and I don't have a very close relationship. I crave the kind of rapport talk that my mother and I share but my father doesn't really connect in that way. Since I've gone to college it's been strange because my father has made a much bigger effort to talk to both my sister (also in college) and I. I still don't feel like we're as close though as I am with my mother. It's interesting to compare the two relationships. I think it's important to have a male figure in your life but probably not necessary - I think gay couples do just as good of a job, if not better, at raising children as heterosexual parents or single parents. I think you can't compare relationships between a mother and father. It's apples to oranges because the relationships are generally based on different things.
I think that is fairly normal for a lot of father son relationships. I agree with sally sue, I am so much closer to my mom then my dad. She is easier to talk to, we are open with another and most of all she acts more interested in my life. We have a rapport relationship whereas my dad is report talk. He wants to know how i am, how the weather is, and if I'm passing my classes. My mother wants to know all my grades, who I date, she want to hang out with me and makes the effort to more often than my father.
I do not have a close relationship with my father either. After reading the above comments, does anyone else see the trend going on here???
Why is it that fathers are not close with their children as the mother is. Ya, I get that the mother nurses them and nurtures them, but I personally believe that in every human heart is a longing to be loved, adored, and cherished by the father figure. Why aren't father's doing this and validating their children's needs and longings???
Can this trend stop? Can the men in this class (and the women who will have husbands someday) vow to break this cycle if they have children of their own??? Please?!!?!?!
I feel really bad for my dad because he had a horrible experience with his father, he was an abuser. I thank God every day that my dad turned out the exact opposite, he is very loving and kind. It just hurts though when I know he never had his parents there cheering for him at his track meets. I think that it is because of the way that my dad was treated that he swore he would be different. He is so involved in my life and I just wish he could have had that too.
I have never been very close to my dad and feel like I've spent most of my life actually grieving over that loss -or absense- of relationship. My dad has always worked extremely hard to be sure that I'm taken care of...have food, clothes, money, etc. and has bent over backwards to help me when I'm in difficult situations (i.e. stranded with a car breakdown in another state), but there's not a strong emotional connection. While I know he does love and care about me, we don't spend any time talking, sharing, or really participating and any 'bonding' activities together. It's pretty much always been like that. My dad's family was never close and I know it was pretty rigid/strict growing for him while he was growing up. I think a lot of how he is is because of how he was raised, but it still makes me really sad that he doesn't even sense what he's missing out on with me and my other siblings.
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