Infidelity and scandal seems to have become as common a platform for many of the nation's politicians as tax reform and healthcare. Most recently, New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned from his federal position when evidence surfaced of his involvement with a prostitution ring. While Eliot Spitzer has received his due share of criticism, suprisingly Spitzer's wife, Silda, has come under the public's critical eye as well. The Associated Press, in the article "Women Ponder Why Spitzer's Wife Stood By," called Silda out for standing next to her husband while he announced his "personal failings" to the public. Few women seemed to understand why Silda was standing there and whether she should have. Several New York women expressed their disapproval:
"I watched her and I thought, 'Again, the wife is standing there.' And I had a visceral reaction. I just don't get it. Why does it always have to be that way in politics? What will she get out of standing there?"
"I've been thinking about this constantly. I cringed when I saw her next to him. I think he should have taken it like a man — without her."
Silda Spitzer is just one in the long line of women who have silently stood by their politician husbands in a time of incredibly painful personal crisis (e.g. Hilary Clinton, Dina Matos McGreevey, Suzanne Craig) often times with little personal support or benefit. One woman justified Silda Spitzer's behavior saying,
"She was in crisis mode. She was like a mother bear protecting her cubs. When crisis hits, you do what you think you need to for your family. Later, you can step back and think about protecting yourself."
I found the gender roles and expectations that emerged in the dialogue surrounding this issue particularly interesting. In response to the Spitzer situation, women in the public expressed a desire to see an empowered woman standing up for herself rather than simply her man. Women also seemed less satisfied with Silda in the traditional role of "wife," fulfilling her duties as a forgiving support. There are others, as the last quote suggests, who attribute Silda's support as an instinctual and natural outflow of who she is as a woman, wife, and mother. I am curious about others reaction to Silda Spitzer's "standing by her man" and what this says about gender roles and expectations.
***SIDE NOTE:
Radio talk show host and author, Dr. Laura Schlessinger made some interesting comments on the fault of the women in men's cheating (specifically talking about the Spitzer case). Below is an excerpt, which adds an interesting dimension to the appropriate response of a woman to a man's infidelity. Because, if a woman shares in the blame isn't it reasonable to ask her to stand and share the gaze of the public's disapproving eye?
INTERVIEWER: Do you think women play any role in this, Dr. Laura?
SCHLESSINGER: It's interesting. what you said about what men need -- men do need validation. When they come into the world they're born of a woman. Getting the validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like our hero, he's very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. These days, women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give their men what they need.
INTERVIEWER: Are you saying women should feel guilty, like they somehow drove the man to cheat?
SCHLESSINGER: You know what, the cheating was his decision to repair what's damaged, and to feed himself where he's starving. But, yes, I hold women accountable for tossing out perfectly good men by not treating them with the love and kindness and respect and attention they need.
7 comments:
I watched Dr. Laura on the Today's show when she was interviewed along with many experts and she was the only one that believed that the women played a role in "making" their husbands cheat. I think it is disappointing that Dr. Laura, who is known as more of a liberal radio commentator, is blaming women for their husbands fault.
On the topic of gender expectations and what role it plays in the infidelity of Spitzer, I think that the quote by the New Yorker sums it up when they say that it is the women's job to protect her cubs (i.e. family) and then worry about herself. Especially in cases like this which are publicized in front of such a large audience, it is hard for a women to have to deal with the needs of her family as well as her personal needs. Gender expectations would state that a women would fall apart, but I think that Silda shows us that she is defying the expectations, instead she is focusing on her gender role, which is defined by society, to stay strong and "fix" things.
Wow, to begin, the Dr. Laura thing really blows me away. I can't believe people really believe this... especially a liberal talk show female.
As far as the wife goes, I think that she is recieving the same ridicule many woman have recieved over the years. One example that comes to mind first, is the song Tammy Wynett sang entitled "Stand By Your Man." She was insulted by liberal women saying that she was putting all the women's movements back in time. She says, just like the wife is doing, that she stands by her man through the tough times and will be there for him no matter what to keep the relationship/family together. I think that family values are important and you shouldn't just give up if something bad may have happened. On the other hand, if the man had good family values, nothing bad should have happened. It is a compromising situation, but I don't think that others should be so quick to judge. I think that you can still stand up for yourself and have rights, but do what you feel is right for you.
According to Systems Theory, which is a communicative way at looking at family relationships (Galvin, 2006), no one member can be blamed for an event (in this case infidelity). Also according to Social Constructionist theory (Stewart, 2006) since communication is collaborative, meaning things like past events, the relationship, and the value system built in that relationship, yes both the man and woman should be blamed together for the act. Systems theory exerts that since the marriage holds specific characteristics such as interdependence, wholeness, patterns, and openness, that the persons involved act together, as one, as a unit, therefore blame is removed. I think what is most important in this is that the wife knew about the infidelity, yet she did nothing to change the pattern of events. She didn’t tell her husband how she was feeling, and perhaps accepting some of the blame that drove him to cheat. These types of situations are so complex, and are made even more complex by the power of the media. There are also patterns for forgiveness (Metts, 2007). First of all, you might just be a forgiving person, also you may value the relationship over the act, there are a variety of pieces that work together to achieve forgiveness and I think we see that in this example.
It is interesting to consider that infidelity is such a looked down upon topic, when so many people cheat. I think this first has to do with the Ten Commandments, but it goes beyond that. There’s a stigma in our society surrounding infidelity (obviously that’s evident in this example) but people do it anyways. One reason this might be is communication infidelity, or infidelity that communicates a message to one relational partner (Tafoya, 2007). Maybe that’s the case here; maybe Spitzberg was trying to send a message to his wife.
First what Dr. Laura says also blows me away. I find it very demoralizing for women to be blamed for someone else's transgressions, even if it is her husband. What, he can't take the responsibility of cheating by himself, someone else has to shoulder that responsibility? But then again I don't necessarily see Dr. Laura as a liberal, I kind of view most of her opinions as off the wall, not necessarily liberal. While I can see the comparison of the wife standing by her man to that of a mother bear protecting her cub, what I really see is someone who is protecting that achieved status, or perceived status. I think that they think they will lose "all of this" if they don't stand by their man. By lose all of this I mean the status and maybe money that comes with the position of their husbands. When in reality they will probably lose that anyway. I would like to blame this on a generational mentality, that is that most of the women that we have watched stand by their men, have all been older, so maybe they think of all of the time they have devoted to their husbands and his career. But again I'm sure we can all think of younger women who have also stood by their men because of infidelity. The most prominent is Vanessa (Kobe) Bryant, how much more public could that embarrassment have been, yet she sat by him at the news conference when he expressed his "remorse" for his actions. Her status as a sports wife was preserved, yet she is still the butt of many jokes. What I hope for as I grow older is that I have enough respect for myself that if put in this position I would actually not be willing to stand by my man for an indiscretion such as the ones we have seen lately.
This is not the first time I have heard psychologists and other popular commentaries on television or in news articles say that women are essentially to blame for their husbands cheating on them. I do not see this as a gender-related issue at all. I am CERTAIN that man, along with all of the other guilty husbands are doing hard time for their crimes, BUT it is all behind closed doors. I think if Hillary cheated on Bill, we would see him standing by her side, just like the wives have done for their husbands. This is just a superficial situation related to their political image, thats all.
First of all I am disgusted by this. I don't think that anyone deserves to go through this sort of agony whether they are a man or a woman. I think this happens more often to women because sadly men are more often politicians. I think that these women feel stuck because they have become so accostomed to the lives they live. Let's say that Slida Spitzer decided that she wanted to leave her husband. She would be criticized by the people who support her husband, she would lose the perks in her life that she receives because of her husband's career, and she would have to work even harder to be respected because she would be attacking someone so powerful. I keep thinking about Hillary Clinton. I think Hillary only stuck with Bill because she wanted to further her own political career. I am not criticizing her has a politcian but I think she made a smart career move by staying with Bill. What about Jackie and JFK? JFK was one of the most loved men of all time and yet he repeatedly cheated on his wife. She stood by him through it all and today everyone has great respect for her. I think this is all a career decision for the women involved in these scandals.
I almost think that this story is class-based as well as a gendered issue. I think the role of politician suggests an ideal of someone who is all-american and portrays thos traditional all-american values. I think this is why we see Spitzer's wife standing next to him rather than abandoning him because of those traditional feminine values that a woman needs a man by her side.
I think it's interesting though, how so many women are expressing their backlash not only at Spitzer's wife but in reality they are expressing their backlash at the socially constructed ideal that a woman must stand by her man no matter what.
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