May 01, 2008
Saying "I Do"
I have been engaged for about one year now and will be getting married this summer. Throughout this year I have been asked one guestion rather frequently that I didn't expect. "Are you going to change your last name?" I just assumed that I would change my last name because that is what every other woman in my family has also done. I found it interesting the people that were asking me, for example my eye doctor, and a few people that I just had met. While I guess it has changed from what it was like in the past, I never really thought about this topic. I don't think that this naming practice in our situation is me submitting to my finance or even him having dominance. But I can see that times have changed and I would love to hear what everyone thinks!
16 comments:
I am not even thinking about getting married anytime soon, but I believe that it's somewhat of an honor to take on your husbands last name...I hope that I'm excited to do so. I don't feel that it is about the male having control over you in most cases, and if it is I would hope you wouldn't marry this man. Maybe Im just traditional!
I agree 100% with sally sue. I'm far far far from even thinking about marriage but do know that I plan on taking my husband's last name (if the day even comes). Nonetheless, I can understand why women feel the need to keep their maiden names or hyphen her last name. For business purposes I can totally understand this perspective, however, I do feel that some women find a sort of dominance when keeping their last names. Does anyone else agree with this? However, by taking the husband's last name it's showing the honor of becoming one with one another. Is there anyone that disagrees?
This is an understandable issue and I can see the pros to both sides. The bottom line that people forget though, is the true meaning of marriage! Joining each other to create one family. How is that going to happen if you have two different last names? I feel that some women are on a power trip and proclaim, "why can't he take my last name?" Good point. What about tradition? Why does every tradition have to be looked at as old fashioned and in need of change? Think about the old tradition, that is clearly not as evident today, of STAYING married. Maybe the practice of taking your husbands last name should be one of those traditions that should be kept, especially is a parallel is remaining married. The divorce rate is ridiculously high so I believe if our society looks back at some of those old values and traditions, it would benefit and strengthen marriages once again.
I think this is an interesting gender topic that has really come into the forefront in the last decade or so. I am currently in a serious relationship, and we have discussed marriage. I am very adamant about keeping some form of my own last name. I am an only child and a female, so its important to me to carry on my family's tradition. While I have considered hyphening my last name, and we have even considered creating a new last name together, I am very determined to assert my individuality. Especially since I have already been published, its important for me to say this is who I am and while I love my husband I don't need to take on his last name to prove it.
I don't think taking your husbands last name makes you inferior to him at all. i agree with some of the other bloggers that I hope I will feel honored to take his name.
We read an article about this in my Interpersonal Communication class last semester and how it is a way of showing submissivness, however I disagree, it is a way of showing tradition. Granted, I don't think that it is necessarily "a must" for women to do it, I still think that it is kind of neat because it is traditional. I know that women use the argument that by changing their name they are changing their identity and who they are but if you think about it, you are changing a little bit about yourself, you are committing yourself to someone else and that is a pretty big change that personally, I think that your name should reflect.
I am excited to take my husbands last name someday. I think that it isn't a matter of domination either, I think it is a matter of becoming one. I would like to be associated with my husband under one last name; I think that is part of what getting married is about. It is really difficult to know who you are married to if you both have different last names. I don't have a problem with the people that don't change their last names; I just personally would like to take my husbands last name. I also see the side of women who don't want to give up their family name; what if they are the only one that can continue the family name? I think if I was in that case, my decision might be different.
I know that when I think about getting married, I will take my husbands last name. I agree that each couple should do what they feel is best for their views, but I certainly don't think that by taking your husbands last name you are being submissive to him. Congrats to you both!
It's very frustrating to me that women have to deal with this issue but men do not. Socially speaking, most people find it odd if women do not change their last name but this can complicate so many different things. I can't count how many credit cards I have, user names, even my email has my last name in it! I can either choose someday to be "different" and keep my last name or go through a lot of effort to change everything to reflect a new last name. I agree with kiwi that women who don't change their names exert a sort of dominance in the relationship. That's probably why most people find it odd when a woman keeps her name. I just wish women could be equals in the "name game" and choose to do what they want to do without having dominance or negative connotations.
In the past a woman taking the man's name was more of a symbol that she belonged to him as wealth and object were only owned by males. Any more I think that this name changing is only continuing the way it is, is that the woman taking the man's name has basically become a tradition. It may also have been a way in the past to be sure that the man's last name would continue on as women were also not allowed to fight in wars. So if you had two children, one male and one female, the male could marry a woman, she take his name and he could then be called off to war. If he was killed in battle that would have been the end of his name.
speaking from a male perspective, i would never expect, certainly never force, my wife to take my last name (partly cause its hard to spell and pronounce). Now, don't get me wrong, I would love for her to do so, and would be honored to share that bond, but it no way would i ever expect it to change our love for one another. In relationships, I'm a big advocate of comprimise. i think this especially holds true in marriage and as far as i am concerned, if the decision is thought through, then I will support whatever the decision.
I agree with sally sue as well, I am very traditional and I believe that taking the man's name is an honor and also gives a sense of normalcy to the marriage. I also don't understand why strangers are asking you this question, first off, it is none of their business and their opinion in the situation is irrelevant. Most importantly, the husband and wife should agree together if it is the right thing to do and if both parties want it.
I am so torn on this issue! I guess I am traditional and have always been used to having ppl change there names once they are married. I guess it's just normal to me and I never thought of it as a dominance thing of a man over a woman. Now that we brought it up in class, I have thought more and more and don't like the idea of changing my name. I don't know what is right. I think sometimes things really do have meaning such as dominance, but sometimes we just read too far into things.
I am going to take my fiances last name and I don't think it;s anything to be ashamed of or that it in any way shows that he is dominant over me. I think it is a way to respect tradition and limit confusion in the future for a family.
However, I also wouldn't be opposed to a man taking a woman's last name either. I agree with Kiwi1009 - it is about showing the honor of becoming one with another not about who is submitting to who... maybe I should ask my fiance to take my last name :)
I think taking the husband last name it kind of a scared part of the ceremony. It's a sign of you becoming one because you are part of ONE family now. There are a lot of women who choose to keep their last name because they have a business or are well know and if they changed their last name they wouldn't have that same fame. I can see it in thoe situations however I still think it makes it more special to take their name.
Kudos to the blogger who talked about it being good to go back to the tradition of 'staying' married. You nailed it on the head! :)
On the original topic here, if I marry someday I would want to take my husband's last name. The only reason I would do anything differently would be for professional reasons (i.e. if I was published or a doctor or something then I may want two last names or something).
My aunt, after years of marriage, actually decided to make her maiden name her middle name. There were no boys in the family so the last name stops with my grandpa. It was my aunt's way of trying to keep the family name. I think it was a neat idea and would actually like to use the name (also my mom's maiden name) as a middle name for one of my children someday (assuming I have kids :).
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